Breastfeeding- its not always a magical experience

The last couple of days have been quite emotional for me, as I had to come to the decision to finish my breastfeeding journey with Leo. I wanted to share both my journeys as they are quite different and share my fourth trimester experience, as I feel the fourth trimester is not discussed about enough.

While pregnant with Lexa, I never thought that breastfeeding would be something I needed to worry about. I thought if my milk came in we would just feed and if I didn't get milk (or a decent supply) I would use formula. All you see over social media is how magical breastfeeding is, you do not see/hear about how hard and traumatising it can be. I never contemplated latching problems, clogged milk ducts, mastitis, nipple thrush and the list goes on!

Lexa was not able to latch until 3.5mths of age. We continually tried and I am pretty sure every midwife at the hospital had touched and felt my poor boobs. Finally someone suggested I look into a nipple shield as my nipples are quite small and inverted. Once I had the right size she could feed. Then around 3.5mths she managed to latch! And from then on the nipple shield was not needed. However, I had extreme anxiety about feeding her in public. I didn't want to pull out my nipple shield, I didn't want people to see me feeding as I was still learning and I was scared of the judgement and looks from strangers! So I would pump at least once a day so I had a bottle to feed her in public.

I still remember the first time I did feed her in public (Lexa would have been around 6mths), it was around friends at my husbands soccer game. I didn't have enough pumped milk to give her a bottle and I thought its just friends I'll be fine. Well she clearly picked up on my stress levels as it took her a while to get in a comfortable position. I stood in the back of the grandstand away form everyone and just cried... she finally latched and I slowly moved back and sat with my friends.

I also spent more time around mums who were comfortable feeding in public and eventually I felt okay and was able to feed my daughter without the panicky stress.

Leo was the complete opposite! He latched to my breast right after birth! I thought okay this is going to be a lot easier! Well I was WRONG! The first few days to a week was fine and we had no issues. Then all of a sudden he didn't like being put straight on the breast, no matter what hold we tried... he would just cry and scream until you picked him up and cuddled him. I contacted the Australian Breastfeeding Association (ABA) to discuss options on how to move forward. This is when I was introduced to Baby Lead Attachment. Baby Lead Attachment was all about the skin to skin contact and giving him some control on which breast and how he latched. After a couple weeks of doing this I was then able to put him straight on with no issues.

We also had issues with the amount of milk I had come in. It came in thick and fast! I got constant clogged milk ducts, but luckily enough never got mastitis. I was able to pass most of them with extra feeding on that breast and cold/warm compress.

Once we overcame these hurdles it was like a dream experience for me. I felt so much more comfortable feeding in public, to the point where I was walking about Big W with him feeding while shopping with Lexa.

Then BAM around 8mths of age it all changed! I started getting a very sore left nipple, thinking it was just a cracked I bought Lansinoh cream and applied this after each feed. However, the pain kept getting worse and would last for hours. It turned into a stingy/burning feeling and after 4 weeks of this, I decided it was time to see a Doctor..

My Doctor wasn't too sure, but she suspected nipple thrush and advised me to start using Nilstat on my nipple. Leo was not prescribed anything as he had no signs of thrush in his mouth. I did this for about two weeks with no change. After speaking with other mums who had gone through nipple thrush, I got some Daktarin Gel. Still no change!

I then decided it was time to see a Lactation Consultant. After a very lengthy appointment we found that Leo had lip, tounge and check ties. I was also advised to use the Daktarin Gel in Leo's mouth the the Daktarin Cream on my nipple. She also suggested I change feeding positions to the 'prone' hold.

Another 2 weeks have since past and I feel like everything had taken a backwards step. We couldn't master the prone hold and he was now also causing my right nipple a lot of pain. The last two nights I have been in tears trying to feed him and actually pulled him off.

Leo is nearly 11mths and I have had to come to the decision that we need to end our breastfeeding journey. It actually breaks my heart and I am tearing up as I type this, as I know he is not ready, but my nipples and my mental health cannot take it anymore. I get so nervous to feed him due to the amount of pain I am in.

My goal for both kids was to make 12mths of breastfeeding. Neither of them made 12mths. Lexa self weaned around 10.5mths and I have had to stop Leo at that same age.

Out of the whole pregnancy journey, breastfeeding was by far the hardest experience for me. If I was to give anyone any advise about breastfeeding I would recommend seeing a Lactation Consultant early on if you are having issues- I wish Leo's ties were diagnosed earlier (but I'll save that story for another blog).

I would also want any mother to know, that if you cannot breastfeed, decide you don't want to or you need to stop, it is OKAY! You are not a horrible Mum, you are doing what's best for yourself and your baby. So many times we forget to look after ourselves and just live through the pain and I did that for nearly 3mths. But as Mums we need to remember that we are human and we need to look after our bodies and mental health.. You need to be happy and healthy so you can keep you kids happy and healthy.

I hope you enjoyed this blog!

Kιɾʂƚιɳ Sιɱαɾα xx ♥